SEND | writermummy

The picture shows an array of cut flowers, including lilies, daisies, sunflowers, in hues of white, yellow and orange, ready to be made into bouquets.

So it was Award Day at school today.

Such a difficult time, as most of the end of term is, for many neurodivergent children and their parents. Social media posts from friends and family are full of academic achievements, reward events, first day/last day photos, smiling faces, holiday plans.

For families whose children do not thrive in school, it’s a time of sadness and exclusion. No attendance reward treat for a girl with 33%, no certificates, no photos. Certainly no firm holiday plans for a girl too broken by school to leave the house without me.

But as I dropped my daughter off for what may be her penultimate day at that school, any school, since the LA have not secured provision for her final year, I was beyond proud.

She clutched a bag of flower bouquets she had made herself, with hand written cards and thoughtfully chosen gifts. Gifts for the three ladies who have made the 33% possible, have made toast, made safe spaces, made an effort. They’re not teachers. They’re TAs. Unsung, under-resourced, over worked sticking plasters, holding SEND children together in a place that feels about as safe as a burning building.

School wants children to have good attitude to learning (they score it), resilience, grit. Who scores the school, scores the teachers? Turning up to a school that has let you down again and again, studying subjects no-one is teaching you, aiming for exams you don’t know you’ll ever sit. Well, if that isn’t the definition of all these traits, tell me what is.

So yes, awards are great. I’m as proud of my son’s academic and sporting certificates, his resilience, his attitude to learning. He copes with school, just about, so he gets his moment to shine, he gets his special treats and pats on the back. He also gets expectations and ‘but he’s doing so well, despite being autistic’ when I suggest he might be heading for burnout. Yes, until he isn’t. What then?

My kids are both amazing, both worth celebrating. But in the eyes of our school system, one is a success and one is an uneconomic use of resources.

Both just need to survive school, to finally be free to start living the lives they deserve.

The picture shows the cover of the book 'Changing our minds' by Naomi Fisher. It has the title and the words 'How children can take control of their own learning - Preface by Peter Gray' followed by the silhouette of a girl's head, showing her brain full of different activities all interconnecting

At one of the many many meetings I’ve had with school over the last half a dozen years, the teacher I was seeing said, “we both agree, don’t we, that the best place for a child is in school.” I was able to respond, “No, the best place for a child is in education.”

It sounds like splitting hairs, but as an English teacher he understood the importance of the distinction. He met my comment with a raised eyebrow and a wry smile. As a part of the school’s senior leadership team, he couldn’t be seen to agree that my child might get a better education away from the school building, but he couldn’t deny the truth.

The confidence and knowledge that allowed me to make that statement, to win that skirmish in a really long fight that shouldn’t be a war, came in a large part from following Clinical Psychologist Dr Naomi Fisher, and other professionals like her, on social media.

This evening I took advantage of a 99p kindle offer to get Dr Fisher’s book, which has been on my reading list for a while: “Changing Our Minds: How children can take control of their own learning”.

I don’t normally willingly read non-fiction and when I do it takes time and concentration. Not this one. I got 10% through in an hour of straight hyperfocus, even with reading on my phone.

It helps that the book mentions Sudbury Valley in the US, a democratic school where my nephew and niece go, and one that I would love to have sent my children to. But, more than that, it articulates everything I’ve come to learn about school vs education.

Schools were designed for obedience, not critical thinking. They are out dated and no longer fit for purpose, not just for SEND kids like mine, but for the future of our society.

Standardised testing, where a percentage are always going to fail due to bell curve marking, is no way to prepare children for a happy or productive life. Kids aren’t robots. And the more AI enters our world, the more we need humans to be human, in all its imaginative, creative, diverse brilliance.

I wish I could follow the advice of this book, for my SEND daughter who is currently facing Year 11 with no school willing to educate her in a way she can manage. We did try home education, as regulars will know. It was sadly too late for us, for a myriad of reasons, but the knowledge and the choice are still important. For her, as much as for me. She knows that she hasn’t failed at school, school failed her.

I have also witnessed her self-directed learning. I can see for myself how it can work, how even the small opportunity she has had to experience it has given her so much hope for the future. Still, the shortest escape route for us at this point is to get her the GCSEs she needs for college in the least painful way. Which is to fight for school to see her as more than a waste of resources.

Seriously, don’t ask. 🤐

However, for any parent who just knows their child isn’t thriving in school, who has the time and energy to embrace a different way, or even just wants to learn a new perspective to the Department of Education’s indoctrination that school attendance is essential, I encourage you to read this book.

Even reading the preface and first chapter is worth 99p.

Honestly. If I could have read this four years ago, when it was written, our lives would perhaps have been far less traumatic and my daughter wouldn’t feel utterly rejected by the very place society keeps telling her she has to be to have a successful life.

But I didn’t.

So, we’ll don armour for the next battle. And share our story so maybe others won’t have to.