Things I’ve learnt from being a part-time working parent (forgive me, you probably all know this already!)

1. It is possible to live in ten times more filth than you ever believed you could
2. Laundry breeds like gremlins in a bath
3. A husband can locate clean socks on top of the tumble dryer if needed
4. Children cannot locate clean socks anywhere
5. A husband can make dinner (heat pizza) if required
6. Dogs still need walking when you’re busy, or they misbehave
7. Guinea pigs poo a lot. It doesn’t stop when you’re busy
8. Kids can survive being told, ‘be quiet, go away, Mummy’s working’
9. Kids mostly ignore being told, ‘be quiet, go away, Mummy’s working’ and will take it as permission to do a full song and dance routine when you’re trying to look up the plural of piranha
10. Half term passes much less painfully if the kids are frequently told, ‘be quiet, go away, Mummy’s working’
11. Coffee is not a food group, but it comes a close second
12. A working coffee machine is essential. Make sure a new stove-top espresso maker is on order from Amazon
13. If you go to bed exhausted at 8pm you will be woken up at midnight by husband and dog snoring and will lie awake for three hours
14. 5.30am feels really really early when you were awake half the night
15. Ironing doesn’t go away if you ignore it
16. ‘Please’ and ‘thank you’ give you energy. Not hearing it makes you tired
17. You can miss vegetables
18. You can miss exercise
19. You can miss boredom
20. Getting paid is really satisfying
21. Knowing you’ve done a good job feels good
22. The saying ‘a change is as good as a rest’ is complete rubbish
23. Eye strain sucks
24. You can forget how to spell
25. You can have to look up whether ‘hers’ takes a possessive apostrophe
26. Working in bed is really cool and surprisingly productive
27. It’s easy to take an accidental power-nap when you work in bed
28. It’s nice telling people you work for a living
29. Editing helps you understand what makes good writing
30. You will edit everything you read forever