This is an average morning in the Martin household:

Mummy

6.15am – daughter comes in and asks if she can read (she has one star left on her Groclock)

6.20am – daughter starts singing loudly in her room

6.25am – daughter turns on bathroom light and I wait for the shout of “Mummy, I’m finished!”

6.30am – daughter calls for a bum wipe

6.45am – husband’s alarm goes off – he rolls over and silences it then goes back to sleep

6.45am – daughter runs in asking if it’s time to go downstairs because Daddy’s alarm has gone off

7.00am – tire of waiting for Daddy to get up or daughter to read quietly in her room. Get up (even though kids’ ‘sun’ doesn’t come up until 7.15am)

7.05am – let dog out

7.10am – put porridge in the microwave and boil kettle, unstack dishwasher and tidy kitchen

7.15am – put breakfast on table for first child, turn off radio and put Cbeebies on the iPad for an easy life, after getting distracted checking email and messages for five minutes. Dispense biscuits for dog

7.20am – son comes downstairs, crying about something, saying his nappy has leaked, or standing in middle of kitchen, half naked, demanding pants. Pour him cereal and put him in front of iPad

7.21am – realise haven’t heard shower. Yell up to see if husband is awake

7.22am – son needs a wee. Take him to the bathroom

7.25am – remember dog (who has been bouncing at the window for twenty minutes to come in). Let her in and wipe her paws

7.27am – remember porridge in microwave and put on for extra three minutes

7.30am – take breakfast and coffee up to husband in attempt to get him out of bed and into the shower

7.38am – send children up to get dressed, try to eat breakfast, run up to turn on bedroom lights and sort out clothing dispute

7.41am – get dressed into yesterday’s crumpled clothes, open blinds in daughter’s room, open blinds in son’s room, make beds, turn off lights, pick up pyjamas, sort out dirty clothes left in a heap the night before, lay out pants and socks for husband who is now running late

7.45am – cajole children into getting dressed instead of playing. Remind husband not to spend all day in the shower

7.46am – eat cold porridge and drink cold tea

7.50am – brush teeth and get toothbrushes for kids

7.55am – realise son can’t get dressed because there are no clean clothes in his drawers. Locate laundry pile, take upstairs, sort and put away

8am – kiss husband goodbye

8.05am – make sure kids have eaten breakfast and are dressed

8.10am – brush daughter’s hair and endure screams, get frustrated at trying to plait it, put it in a pony tail on the third attempt

8.15am – remember haven’t made packed lunch for son, quickly make a cheese sandwich

8.20am – fill up school water bottles, yell at kids for not putting their shoes on, run round saying “we’re late, we’re late”

8.25am – get children in car with promises of program on the iPad. Remember haven’t brushed teeth, run back in house for toothbrushes. Brush teeth in the car

8.28am – realise car windscreen is frozen, run back in house for warm water, curse when throw water all over car seat by accident. Wipe car seat, sit in wet patch

8.30am – finally leave the house. Drive for ten minutes listening to Octonauts for the fifteenth time

8.40am – get to town and look for parking space

8.45am – park and get scooters out, wrestle children into hats, coats and gloves, grab school bags, trot after scooting children to school saying “we’re late, we’re late”, pick up at least one child with grazed knee and wet clothes. Promise plasters

8.50am – remove daughter’s coat, deposit water bottle, show and tell item, signed forms, homework diary, make sure daughter has signed the register, write encouraging ‘star’ for daughter’s board, leave her with teaching assistant, usher son out of the building past all the other parents and children, shoulder spare scooter

8.55am – get son scooting back to car, while saying “we’re late, we’re late”

9.05am – drive son to preschool, park on the mud, step in dog poo, forget lunch box, run back to car

9.10am – get son in slippers, take off coat, find a spare peg for his bag, find his name on the register table, put packed lunch in kitchen, find his mimi, give son to keyworker, crying and saying he’ll miss me, run round to make silly faces at the window

9.12am – stride back to car, drive to end of road to turn car around, navigate out past the twenty other cars. Turn radio on. Breathe.

9.15am – get home, put dishwasher on, turn off rest of the lights, put on laundry, put wet towels on the radiator, turn on tumble dryer, tell the dog we’ll go out later, make cup of tea

9.30am – start work

Daddy

6.45am – alarm goes off. Silence it. Go back to sleep

7.20am – wife calls up the stairs to see if I’m up. Say yes. Go back to sleep.

7.30am – wife brings porridge and coffee. Eat porridge and coffee.

7.40am – get in shower. Stand under hot water for ten minutes. Shave. Brush teeth.

7.50am – get dressed in clothes laid out on bed. Put on ironed shirt. Go downstairs. Kiss everyone goodbye

8.00am – leave house. Sit in running car while the windscreen defrosts.

8.05am – drive to work listening to the radio

8.30am – start work